Life Lessons from a 4th Grader: Don’t Dull Your Shine for Others

A parable applicable to every single one of us dulling our shine so we can meet everyone else’s expectations, so we can be accepted, so we can be well-liked, and so we can achieve all those external boosts we think we need to be worthy (hint, hint: It’s all bullshit)…

I was helping my 4th grade daughter with a set of math problems designed to test her critical thinking skills. These are not easy questions and, at times, stump me too. Today, she was done with her questions in 10 minutes. I knew this was not enough time to process the challenges presented so I was not surprised when she told me she got them all wrong. I asked her if she rushed. Of course she answered was “no.” We sat down together to identify why they were incorrect and how she could do better.

I started on the first problem and as I started to explain it, she solved it correctly before I even finished my thought. We went on to the next one, she solved it again using a methodology I didn’t even know she was capable of. At this point, I was confused. Why had she gotten all the answers wrong, if she knew what she was doing? I asked her how she arrived at the answer she originally inputted (the incorrect answer), she said “I guessed.” I asked her why she had guessed when she clearly understood the concept enough to solve it correctly. She said the question seemed so difficult during her first read-through; she had felt overwhelmed, so she guessed. She explained that her peers in class are much faster at their math problems and she doesn’t want to be perceived as too slow, and as a failure. She figured that if she moved quickly through her math problems, it would seem as though she knew what she was doing.

Woosaa. My mom brain kind of exploded. I took a deep breath and explained that by rushing through the problems, she was sabotaging herself. She was bypassing her capability for thoughtful consideration and intellect only to fall right into her fear of getting the questions wrong. All so she could be perceived as smart (which she already is) — a complete paradox.

It was time for mom wisdom (sometimes I have a little bit of stored up). I told my daughter that people’s perceptions of her, their expectations of her, their opinions of her… DON’T MATTER. I explained that in 10 years she won’t even remember the names of the peers in her classroom, and likely not even the name of her teacher. She, of course, didn’t believe me. In fact, she was appalled by the notion that she may not remember these minions she thinks are instrumental to her existence. I asked her to name two friends from preschool. She managed to come up with a couple of names after several minutes. I explained that if she could barely remember two people from a few years ago, imagine a decade.

I explained to my daughter that the only person she should hold herself accountable to is her inner self. That her inner 4th grader should be the one she’s hoping to make proud because that’s who will be with her forever. I explained that everyone has their baggage, their “less than” attributes, and their moments of self-doubt. That no matter what is presented in the classroom, or on social media, they all have aspects of themselves that cause them to question their greatness. As she does. As I do. So rather than hold ourselves to a standard of others’ expectations, which will always be impossible to meet, how about we focus on our inner selves. I asked her if her inner 4th grader was proud of her effort on the math problems today. She said “no.” I asked her if her inner 4th grader would say she did her best. She said “no.”

Later in the afternoon, I asked her to do a new set of problems. I asked her to focus on making herself proud and nothing else. I reminded her to read the problem twice and to use scrap paper to document her process. 30minutes later… she got them all right.

The moral of this story is that focusing on other people’s opinions and perceptions is NOT THE KEY TO SUCCESS and it’s definitely NOT THE KEY TO SELF LOVE. You are the key. That’s it. That’s the secret. No amount of applause or superficial acceptance can ever give you what you need most, self-acceptance. Strive each day to make your inner you proud and f*** everybody else. You will never make everyone else happy and, the truth is, many of them will want to see you fail because they lack self-worth. That’s a them problem, don’t let it be a you problem. Tune them out, do your best, and be your awesome self.